The grand object for which a gentleman exists, is to excel in
company. Conversation is the mean of his distinction, the drawing-room
the scene of his glory.
In company, though none are "free," yet
all are "equal." All therefore whom you meet, should be treated with
equal respect, although interest may dictate toward each different
degrees of attention. It is disrespectful to the inviter to shun any of
her guests. Those whom she has honoured by asking to her house, you
should sanction by admitting to your acquaintance.
If you meet any
one whom you have never heard of before, you may converse with him with
entire propriety. The form of "introduction" is nothing more than a
statement by a mutual friend that two gentlemen are by rank and manners
fit acquaintances for one another. All this may be presumed from the
fact, that both meet at a respectable house. This is the theory of the
matter. Custom, however, requires that you should take the earliest
opportunity afterwards to be regularly presented to such an one.
The
great business in company is conversation. It should be studied as art.
Style in conversation is as important, and as capable of cultivation as
style in writing. The manner of saying things is what gives them their
value.
The most important requisite for succeeding here, is
constant and unfaltering attention. That which Churchill has noted as
the greatest virtue on the stage, is also the most necessary in company,
to be "always attentive to the business of the scene." Your
understanding should, like your person, be armed at all points. Never go
into society with your mind en deshabille. It is fatal to success to be
all absent or distrait. The secret of conversation has been said to
consist in building upon the remark of your companion. Men of the
strongest minds, who have solitary habits and bookish dispositions,
rarely excel in sprightly colloquy, because they seize upon the thing
itself, the subject abstractly, instead of attending to the language of
other speakers, and do not cultivate verbal pleasantries and
refinements. He who does otherwise gains a reputation for quickness, and
pleases by showing that he has regarded the observation of others.
It
is an error to suppose that conversation consists in talking. A more
important thing is to listen discreetly. Mirabeau said, that to succeed
in the world, it is necessary to submit to be taught many things which
you understand, by persons who know nothing about them. Flattery is the
smoothest path to success; and the most refined and gratifying
compliment you can pay, is to listen. "The wit of conversation consists
more in finding it in others," says La Bruy,re, "than in showing a great
deal yourself: he who goes from your conversation pleased with himself
and his own wit, is perfectly well pleased with you. Most men had rather
please than admire you, and seek less to be instructed, nay, delighted,
than to be approved and applauded. The most delicate pleasure is to
please another."
It is certainly proper enough to convince others
of your merits. But the highest idea which you can give a man of your
own penetration, is to be thoroughly impressed with his.
Patience is a social engine. To listen, to wait, and to he wearied are the certain elements of good fortune.
If
there be any foreigner present at a dinner party, or small evening
party, who does not understand the language which is spoken, good
breeding requires that the conversation should be carried on entirely in
his language. Even among your most intimate friends, never address any
one in a language not understood by all the others. It is as bad as
whispering.
Never speak to any one in company about a private
affair which is not understood by others, as asking how that matter is
coming on, &c. In so doing you indicate your opinion that the rest
are de trop. If you wish to make any such inquiries, always explain to
others the business about which you inquire, if the subject admit of it.
If
upon the entrance of a visitor you continue a conversation begun
before, you should always explain the subject to the new-comer.
If
there is any one in the company whom you do not know, be careful how
you let off any epigrams or pleasant little sarcasms. You might be very
witty upon halters to a man whose father had been hanged. The first
requisite for successful conversation is to know your company well.
There
is another precept of a kindred nature to be observed, namely, not to
talk too well when you do talk. You do not raise yourself much in the
opinion of another, if at the same time that you amuse him, you wound
him in the nicest point, his self-love. Besides irritating vanity, a
constant flow of wit is excessively fatiguing to the listeners. A witty
man is an agreeable acquaintance, but a tiresome friend. "The wit of the
company, next to the butt of the company," says Mrs. Montagu, "is the
meanest person in it. The great duty of conversation is to follow suit,
as you do at whist: if the eldest hand plays the deuce of diamonds, let
not his next neighbour dash down the king of hearts, because his hand is
full of honours. I do not love to see a man of wit win all the tricks
in conversation."
In addressing any one, always look at him; and
if there are several present, you will please more by directing some
portion of your conversation, as an anecdote or statement, to each one
individually in turn. This was the great secret of Sheridan's charming
manner. His bon-mots were not numerous.
It is indispensable for
conversation to be well acquainted with the current news and the
historical events of the last few years. It is not convenient to be
quite so far behind the rest of the world in such matters.
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